The sun was peaking in and out behind big cotton shaped clouds that seemed to have been painted on a vast blue canvas. The day was young. The air warm, carrying with it the laughter of good memories and the smell of summer time fun. I leaned on the warm hood of my car the summer breeze gently blowing through the trees, I let it flow over my face, into my hair, it was as if the wind had thousands of little hands, each one of them reaching into my mind and taking my worries. I put my head back and closed my eyes, the sun was strong and I could see the bright red through my eyelids. Summer was different this year. I was different. Winter had finally left taking with it the sorrow it had brought hidden in its perfect snowflakes. I was happy school was out, happy the earth was warm again.

It wasn't until later that night that I realized what had changed, what was missing. It was something inside me. Something I felt I had lost with the constant weathering of school, with the constant beating of life. It was laughter, how much time had passed since I had smiled, almost as if my face didn't even know how to anymore. The laughter in my heart, in my soul had disappeared like some one had taken it and put it in a jar next to my dreams, my happiness. It had been a long day, a tiring day. One of those days where you didn't remember what you did but you know you had done a lot. Sitting on the couch I looked around. The house was dark, I liked it that way, it fit how I felt, alone. I finally got up, the couch held on to me for a second afraid I wouldn't come back. As I got into bed the springs creaking with every move I made, filling the room with an odd sound. It was strange, hearing something after such a long period of quite. It was as if the empty space didn't know what to do with the sound, as if it had been deaf for ages and now it could finally hear again. I put my head on the pillow the cotton took shape to contour my head, the cold pillow stealing my warmth keeping it as its own. I let the moons light creep through the blinds and gently close my eyes. Let the slow tinkering of the rain against the window drown out the moans and creaks of the house. It had been a long day.

Dreams are like stories written by God and delivered by angles that take you to wondrous places, sometimes they're better then reality, sometimes they make reality look like a dream. It was only when I dreamed was I happy. I see my mother. She’s standing, her eyes shining joy into the room, her smile warmer then the fireplace crackling in the background. There’s music, the room is filled with people. Little kids lost in their own world, parents talking about their world. There’s so much happiness in that little room, so much joy, so much love that Satan himself would smile. I walk up to my ammi, my mother, I want to hug her. Take her in my arms and ask her why she had left me behind in this cruel world. I slowly raise my arm, slowly inch towards her. I’m almost there, I would finally hug her, I would finally feel what my heart ached for, what I ached for, my mothers touch, her love, but dreams are funny in that way, they always know when to bring you back to earth.

It was four years ago. Four long years ago when life had plunged its ice cold hands into my heart taking my love. Rain was falling from the sky as if thousands of angles where crying, mourning what was about to come. The dark clouds thundered, shaking the earth, as if reminding it of the sorrow that would occur on its soil. Music was playing softly as I tapped my fingers on the steering wheel. I looked over and saw my ammi. Saw how she was looking out, the water taking the light from the city, distorting it, and creating different images on the canvas of the window. We were alone, coming back from the city. The rest of the family had stayed home. It was just me and my ammi jaan. She turned to me. "You know I’m proud of you, you've accomplished so much. I still remember when you were a little baby, always causing mischief. I knew the day you were born that you would make me proud. You're my strength you know, never forget how much I love you" I still remember what she said to me like they had been etched with love in my mind. It was one of the last things she ever said to me.

The screams of kids playing filled the warm summer air. The sun was soft today. Summer was slowly ending. Fall was coming with every leaf drop. Sitting on a park bench, the swings metal catching the light from the sun and throwing it my way, glinting. It reminded me of the time in the car when I had used my watch to reflect light in my brothers closed eyes. "Don't bother him, you know he gets cranky when you bother him in his sleep", my ammi had said to me with that love infused voice. "Sorry ammi jaan", I had said to her, sneakily shining light every now and then. How I missed those days. How I missed being a kid, missed being looked after. Now it was just me and the world, the world a mean teacher who kept using me as an example of what would happen to the others if they didn't listen.

The noise filled the room, overwhelming, pushing against the walls of the house, slowly seeping out of the cracks between windows. I sat among people I didn't know, some who I knew but didn't want to talk with. I had lost the need the talk. I didn't even know if my tongue remembered how. Fall had swooped in like an eagle, clutching summer in its talons. The air outside had been robbed of its warmth, but inside the body heat of laughing people kept the cold out. As I looked around the house my eyes were drawn to this patch through a group of standing people. There she stood, the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, my eyes unfocused, taking in one thing at a time. Her black hair flowing down below her shoulders, like the waves of a serene lake. Her eyes were like two crescents that made the bright fall moon look pale. She was laughing, how one person could have so much joy so much warmth. My eyes finally focused on her whole face her image developed in my minds eye like I had taken a mental picture. She finally looked up, our eyes met and for the first time in a long time I smiled.

The drive back home was a blur of lights and noises. My mind kept wandering back to her, to my dark haired pari. Over the weeks she entered my dream with grace. Bringing unbound warmth to my heart, for the first time in four years I heard my heart beat. With fall in full color the atmosphere of the world, it seemed, had changed. The bright greens were replaced by vibrant reds and yellows. The warm winds replaced by a mild fall breeze that sometimes carried with it the cold reminder of winter. On my drive back to my apartment, the one place I called home, my phone rang. It was my abu, my dad, he was finally back from his over seas business trip. I admired my dad. He was the one person I looked up to, his success was the force that pushed me to excel in every thing I did. “Hello”, I answered. “Assalamualakum beta, where are you? How are you? Is every thing fine? How goes college?” the usual chit-chat, the usual question and answer. It was after I hung up that I realized I missed him, I missed his confident yet soft voice. It seemed like a river that I had been holding back finally pushed hard enough and streamed out. I cried the whole drive home. I tried to stop but stray memories of my ammi kept producing fresh tears, my whole body shuddered as I tried to block out the memories I had tired to keep in the depths of my mind. Reaching home I flung my self onto my bed, brought the covers over my head and cried until there were no more tears, just my wet eyes and the pain in my heart as if some one had taken a searing hot iron rod and pressed it into my heart. I fell asleep with the fresh pain of loss still griping my every thought.

I woke up the next day to find the sun was out. It seemed the world was showing me how happy it was, trying to make me jealous. As I lay in bed I stared up through the sky light and saw the clouds slowly going across the sky like giant boats in the clear blue ocean. The warmth trying to seep into my skin, but my body wouldn’t let it. It wasn’t ready to be warm. I closed my eyes and went back. “This is the happiest day of my life, do you know how proud you’ve made me. Graduating high school is a great accomplishment my raja. Today Omer baba you have made me the happiest mother in the world.” I remember that day like it just happened, like I was just there and was yanked out into another world, this world, my world of pain. Tears rolled down her cheeks, tears of joy. Her eyes looked at me with so much love. My ammi was proud of me. I was proud of my self. I had made my ammi happy and that was my happiness.

Reminiscing about the past always brought a fresh wave of pain but I tried to ignore it. I turned the shower on, turned the hot water all the way up, but the water turned into ice the moment it touched my skin. I closed my eyes and tried to think of something, anything else. It was then that I saw her. Smiling at me like she had smiled at the party, her eyes happy to see me even though we had never met, slowly the water got warmer.

Two more years went by, vanished as if they were mere moments. I was finally out of college. My dad came for my graduation, him along with my younger brother. I was happy to see them. “There he is, there is my graduate”, my dad boomed out. I could see he was proud, I could see the happiness twinkling in his eye. Ahmad, my younger brother, gave me a tight hug. I smiled and kissed my dad on the cheek. They stayed at my small apartment, my home, for two weeks. It felt like we were a family again. Felt as if the cold boulder that had been on my chest had finally been lifted. I missed my ammi, but on that day it was as if she was there. I saw her. The same smile she had when I graduated high school, the same pride in her eyes. Two weeks flew by and before I knew it my abu jaan and Ahmad were boarding the plane. “You should come with us. Now that you’re done with college you should come back and live with us. We can be a family again.” “Thank you Abu but I don’t think I’m ready to go back yet, I promise I will come one day, I promise.” Just like that they were gone, the big steal bird took them away like they never came, but left behind something that I hadn’t felt in in a long time, warmth.

I started an internship at a huge multi national company. I was finally what I had always wanted to be a journalist. Days sped up to where day and night ran into each other, becoming one huge blur. I lost my self in my work. Made new friends, moved into the city, by graduating the world, it seemed, lost interest in using me as a genie pig. I was finally free. It was at a thanksgiving party the following year that I met the girl who had taken my heart for her own. I was standing alone when she walked up to me. She smelled sweet, not the sweet you find in a candy shop but a sweetness of good shampoo. Her hair just as long as I remembered it, her eyes just as dark, filled with mysteries, not those that brought pain but those of good times. “So how do you like the party?” she asked me, her voice was soft like a whisper but loud enough that I could hear her over the shouts and bellowing laughter of the guests. “Its going well, thanks.” “You look really pretty today”, the words escaped my thoughts through my tongue, my cheeks blushing. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to be so abrupt”, I apologized. She just smiled. “Do you want to go for a walk?” she asked me in her sugar coated voice.

We dodged cheering guest, packs of little kids, tripping over lines of scattered shoes we finally made it outside. The cold air sucking the heat from my face, it felt nice. The scene was like that you see in some romantic movie, boy and girl walking, city lights, the warm air condensing and turning into puffs of smoke as they spoke. It was that night I fell in love. I called my abu the next day, told him the news. Told him how I had met someone who filled the emptiness, the cave of sorrow that my ammi’s departure left behind. I could tell he was happy. His voice resonated out of the phone and he flew in the next week. “Ahmad was in college so he couldn’t make it but he sends his love.” A couple weeks went by and I asked Sahra, my jaan, if she wanted to marry me. Her eyes lit up like a moonless sky on the Fourth-of-July. She jumped up and hugged me for the first time. Her warm body filled my cold body with warmth. I smiled and hugged her back.

Months slowly went by like lazy summer flies and every thing was finally ready for the wedding. Relatives from all over had flown in to celebrate. It was the day of the wedding. I closed my eyes. “Omer baba, I’m so happy you’ve found some one for you. She is pretty, just like your ammi”, my mom said, smiling. “No ammi, you are far prettier. I really wish you were here today, I will miss you so much” I felt something warm going down my cheek. “Don’t worry beta, I will always be with you. I love you. “I love you too ammi” One tear led to another and before I knew streams of tears were flowing out of my tired eyes. I just sat in my room, a mix of happiness and sorrow. Making my way into the shower my tears mixed with the hot water. I closed my eyes and let the water make its way from my head all the way down to my toes taking my sadness down the drain. “You know I’m proud of you, you've accomplished so much. I still remember when you were a little baby, always causing mischief. I knew the day you were born that you would make me proud. You're my strength you know, never forget how much I love you" I see her just sitting in the passenger seat, looking out the window. How much I wished I could go back in time, but time like, the mighty rivers, flows only one way, eroding the world around you.

It took me a while to get ready. The sadness lingered in my heart the whole way to the hotel. My abu and baby brother knew what I was thinking and didn’t try to help me, they knew they couldn’t. It was tradition for the groom and the bride to sit together on a stage in front of every one so I made my way over to the couch and sat down and waited, waited for my pari to come down. When she finally did my eyes slowly came up to see her, she looked more beautiful then any thing God has made in this world. With her head down she walked closer to me, looked up and smiled. I felt all the sorrow melt away, her smile like the spring sun melting away the remnants of the winter snow. How lucky I was to have found her. The rest of that day came and went. Two days later and the ceremonies had ceased, Sahra and me were finally married.

Days turned into months, months into years. Seasons changed out side while we changed inside. Four years after our wedding I was a father. It was my daughters second birthday. She looked just like her mother, the same twinkle in her eyes the same un-flickering happiness behind her smile. We named her Fatima, and just like that my life had a new reason. She became the love of our lives. Her laughter, her mischievousness, her memories filled our empty house. Life was good. I saw my ammi jaan every day. Saw her looking at Fatima with that loving smile, saw her sitting in the sun the way she used to when we were young. The pain of my ammi had finally been replaced with happiness. They say love conquers all, it took a while to conquer my rigid mountain of sorrow but it finally did. After another year I took Sahra, Fatima and our new baby boy Amer back to my home town. I fulfilled my promise to my abu and came home.

It was just like I had left it. A small suburban town where life was easy, my dad was happier then I had ever seen him the day we showed up at his doorstep. Holding Amer in my arms, bag slug over my shoulder, Fatima to my left holding her mothers hand, it was picture perfect. We were finally a family. Ahmad came home later that evening and we shared old stories, brought up old memories, and filled the house with new ones. We talked late into the night, talked about every thing from new jobs to politics to the kids. My abu told me how happy he was I had returned, how happy he was to have his family back together, and in that moment I saw how much pain he had hidden behind his dark eyes, he blinked and it was gone, replaced only by my reflection.

After hours of talking I finally lay down to rest, Sahra my jaan, at my side. I let my mind wander, let the darkness close around me. It was silent but a silence filled with whispers of happy times. The walls talked amongst themselves, the house creaked and settled in for the long night. My eyes closed and I found my self in the car, my ammi at my side. She turned to me “I knew the day you were born that you would make me proud. You're my strength you know, never forget how much I love you, never forget that you’re my jaan, my life. If any thing happens to me know that I will never leave you. I will always live through you, through your eyes I will see all that you will accomplish. Never forget me Omer baba because no matter what happens I want you to know I love you.” I slowly opened my eyes, looked around in the dark and whispered. I love you too ammi, I love you too.